


If you seek his monument, look around

by Haywarde



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: BAMF Allura (Voltron), Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Dealing with PTSD, F/M, Gay Keith (Voltron), Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, Shiro (Voltron) Needs a Hug, Space Dad Shiro (Voltron)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-13 16:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10517697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haywarde/pseuds/Haywarde
Summary: Love is friendship that has caught fire.Or.Very slow burn Shallura fic involving post traumatic stress and survivor's guilt.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> When you're a creative writing major and you need a break from analyzing Shakespeare, you write Voltron fanfiction. It's what you do.

Keith and Lance require a lot of maintenance. If Shiro’s not there to chaperone their sparring sessions, thing easily get out of hand. Last week, Lance ended up with a concussion after what was supposed to be a friendly race through the invisible maze. Allura was furious. She wanted to ban them from the training room, saying that if they were going to act like children she’d treat them as such but Shiro convinced her not to on the condition of them being constantly supervised.

“You are kind, Shiro,” she had said, “but I will not hesitate to push them out an airlock if they inflict unnecessary injury to each other again.”

He brushed his hand against her shoulder as they walked side by side. “They won’t. I promise.”

And they didn’t. Until today.

It’s Shiro’s fault. He’s the one that suggested that Lance and Keith fight him two to one but he didn’t expect them to take it so seriously. The boys worked like a well-oiled machine as they as they forced him into a corner. Their teamwork made Shiro think he could push them just a little bit further and he smashed Keith’s nose by accident.

“Shit!” Keith’s hands fly to his face. “The fuck man?”

Shiro tilts Keith’s head forward. “Sit down. Lance, tell Coran and Allura to get a healing pod ready.”

As Lance speeds off, Shiro assess the damage. Keith’s nose is bent at an awkward angle and blood won’t stop dripping. He moves Keith’s hands to pinch his nose in attempt to staunch the flow.

“You have a mean right hook,” Keith says, his voice thick. 

“Sometimes I forget it’s made of metal and hit harder than I should.”

“S’good thing. Punch the shit outta the Galra.”

Shiro laughs. If he hadn’t just broken the kid’s nose, he’d tell him to watch his language.

“Do you think you can stand?” Shiro asks.

“Yeah.”

Shiro helps Keith up and leads him to the bridge where Lance and the rest team are waiting. 

Lance relieves Shiro of Keith and guides him to a healing pod. “I got you dude. Just hang in there.”

Once he’s in a pod and the lid is firmly shut, Allura takes Shiro by the arm and leads him away from the group.

“What happened?”

She’s not mad, just concerned and that makes Shiro’s guilt grow tenfold. “I got carried away.”

“This is your doing?” 

When Shiro doesn’t answer, Allura touches his face. 

“It’s okay, Shiro. Keith is okay.”

But it’s not okay. Shiro could have done a lot worse than a bloody nose. He has a murder weapon attached to his body and instincts to put it to use.

Shiro can feel an attack coming. His heart begins to race and his stomach twists, threatening to expel this morning’s breakfast. He wants to cry or hide somewhere. He wants to be anywhere but here.

Allura is still touching his face and she must see the panic in his eyes because she says something calming he doesn’t quite hear. She runs her thumb along his bottom lip and her movement is like a balm that soothes his terror. He sighs.

From across the bridge, Coran watches them. He whispers something to Hunk and Pidge and the three leave. Lance stays and watches Keith in the healing pod with a blend of worry and annoyance. He doesn’t seem to notice that the others have left or that Allura is all but hugging Shiro.

Allura brings her other hand to his shoulder and without saying a word, she tells Shiro that they are leaving. He nods in agreement, too tired to be embarrassed.

Shiro doesn’t know how they end up in his room but he’s lying on his bed and it only takes a minute for him to fall asleep. When he wakes up, Allura is sitting on the floor with what looks like a kettle on a bunsen burner besides her, humming contently.

He sits up. “How long have I been out?”

“A little over a day.” Allura takes the kettle off the burner and pours sweet smelling tea into a mug. “I shut down the fear response produced by your adrenal glands and as a result, the production of zona glomerulosa ceased and you fainted.”

“Oh.”

Allura hands him the mug of tea then pours herself some. She's dressed in a loose, billowy robe that exposes her collarbones which bear marks similar to the ones on her cheeks. When she catches him staring, she covers herself with a start.

“Its indecent for someone other than a mate to see one’s body markings,” she says.  
Shiro closes his eyes and mumbles a hasty apology. He can hear Allura chuckle.

“It's alright,” Allura assures him. “You were not purposely being deviant. We have much to learn about each other's cultures. From what Keith and Lance have demonstrated, human courting rituals seem quaint and I am eager learn more. I find the amount of time you spend on assessing potential mates very romantic.”

Shiro opens his eyes to find Allura sitting at the edge of bed. “Do Alteans not date?” He asks.

“No. Most marriages are arranged for either political gain or genetic capability. I myself was betrothed before Altea fell to Zarkon.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” is all Shiro can think to say. He sometimes forgets the tragedy Allura has endured because she so rarely talks about it on a personal level. When the topic is brought up, she only speaks of it with a clinical detachment like she's trying to separate herself from the painful memories. He does the same.

Allura smiles ruefully as she sips her tea. “I did not know him well but I mourn his loss as I do for the rest of of my people.”

“Being the last of your race must be lonely.” 

Allura studies Shiro for a moment. “I have Coran but yes, it is lonely. Knowing any children I may one day have will never meet their grandfather makes the pain worse.”

Allura’s sadness is palpable, almost suffocating despite her thin smile. Shiro touches her hand resting next to him and her smile grows soft. 

“You carry a great deal of loneliness in yourself, Shiro.”

“I do?”

Her thumb begins tracing shapeless patterns along his knuckles. “You miss your planet and the crew the Galra stole. Your gift for leadership comes from the pain of being alone.”

“That’s very poetic, Princess.”

“Please, call me Allura. We are comrades.”

There's an intensity in her voice that catches Shiro off guard. She's challenging him to step over some invisible line and call her Allura. Shiro balks.

“You can be both my comrade and a princess, Princess.”

Allura looks at him with equal parts disappointment and admiration. “You are a stubborn man, Shiro.”

He laughs nervously, feeling like a trapped animal. “So they tell me.”

He sets his untouched mug of tea on his bedside table then stands up to put some space between him and Allura lest he be tempted to do something inappropriate. His vision blurs and he falls to the floor.

“Shiro!” Allura lifts him up like he weighs no more than a baby and returns him to his bed. “Your blood pressure is still very low. You cannot move yet.”

She touches his neck and Shiro tries wave her away but she holds his jaw still in a vice-like grip.

“Stop squirming. I am trying to take your pulse.” Shiro stills obediently which makes the corners of Allura’s mouth twitch. “We need to find a better way to handle your attacks,” she says. “Disabling your fear response is dangerous to your health.”

“I take it Pidge told you this wasn't the first?”

“They did not want to break your trust but I was insistent on ascertaining your entire known medical history.”

“You'd have to ask the Galra for that,” Shiro jokes weakly. It’s strange but they know more about his biology than he does. The look on Allura’s face tells him that she doesn’t find him funny. 

“Do not make light of such matters,” Allura tells him. “Your imprisonment is not something I find humorous.”

“Sorry.” Shiro rolls onto his side as a wave of nausea threatens to make him empty the remaining contents of his stomach on the pillow. Allura brushes her fingers along his cheek. They feel icy against his burning skin.

“I think it best for you to finish recovering in a healing pod. Will you permit me to alter your brain chemistry briefly so you will lose conscious?”

The ration part of Shiro’s mind tells him that altering brain chemistry no matter how briefly is a bad idea but he trusts Allura too much to say no. She’s gives him a reassuring smile when he nods.  
“I promise to look after you,” she whispers as he closes his eyes. “I promise.”


	2. Chapter 2

It takes two days in a healing pod for Shiro’s endocrine system to recover. When he wakes, he's relieved to find Keith and Lance bear him no ill will and that they wish to train with him again. 

“You need to teach me how to fight like that,” Keith says and Shiro promises he would as soon as Allura would let him. 

Things with Allura, however, are strained. She forbids him from training and spends most of her time avoiding him by seeking refuge on the bridge. When he tries to confront her about her behavior, she snaps and tells him to mind his own business.

With no way to get through to her, Shiro seeks out Pidge.

“Well,” they say, “did you do anything to make her upset?”

Shiro watches them datamine a piece of Galra tech the team scavenged from their last mission. He has no idea what Pidge is doing but he is certain it's something that even a professional computer scientist would struggle with.

He thinks of Allura’s markings and the robe and mentally kicks himself. “I did do something but she forgave me. At least, I think she did.”

“You might want to double check.” He will. As soon as she'll let him with ten feet without her yelling at him.

Pidge looks up from their computer as if realizing something. “Maybe it's not you. She and Coran have been fighting lately.”

This is news to Shiro. He doesn't think he's ever seen Allura and Coran fight before. “Really?”

“Uh huh. While you were in the healing pod, they had a big fight in the kitchen. You could hear them from the training room.”

“Do you know what it was about?”

Pidge shakes their head. “No, but I'll ask the Princess tonight when I finish with this Galra tech.”

“Don't press her too hard, okay? Just make sure she's alright.” Shiro can deal with Allura giving him the cold shoulder but if she snaps at Pidge their little tiff will evolve into something nasty.

“Don't worry Dad, I'll look after Mom,” Pidge says with an impudent grin. They know what Shiro thinks of those pet names and they love getting a rise out of him almost as much as Lance does. They’re visibly disappointed when Shiro doesn’t react.

“You’re no fun.”

Shiro ruffles Pidge’s hair affectionately. “I’m going to train a bit. Sound the alarms if there’s a situation.” He needs to clear his mind.

“Aye-aye captain. Just make sure Mom doesn't catch you there or else you're dead.”

 

Shiro is positive Pidge told Allura he was training. She storms in minutes after Shiro begins stretching like someone tipped her off about his location.

“Takashi Shirogane,” she says and Shiro freezes. She's never used his full name before and the sound of it makes Shiro want to do whatever she tells him to. He can't tell if his reaction is one of fear or domestic bliss.

Allura snatches his jaw with her hand and confirms that it's most certainly fear he's experiencing. “I thought I made it clear that you are not to be straining yourself in such a manner.”

“It helps me think,” Shiro chokes out. He hopes he looks calm despite the dizzying rush of adrenaline flooding his system. 

“Need I remind you that I am quite capable of lifting and carrying you back to your room?”

Shiro groans. “Don't say things like that or the team will think we're actually involved.”  
“They already do, Shiro so I see no reason why I can't do this.” She wraps her arms around his waist and hefts him over her shoulder with ease.

“Allura!” Her hair is in his face and he's struggling to keep his knees from touching her chest as he flails. She ignores him.

She carries him out of the training room and Shiro thanks whatever gods exist that no one is around. He may actually die if Lance sees them.

“Allura,” Shiro tries again, softer this time. She stops.

“Yes?”

“Put me down. We need to talk.”

She sets him down but her hands linger on his arms. Her face is drawn tight like she's fighting back tears and Shiro swears he sees her facade threatening to shatter with a quiver of her lip.

“Princess? What's wrong?”

“The Galra left you with aching wounds that you refuse to treat. You let them fester until the pain drives you to the very edge of insanity and then you throw yourself at the mercy of some reckless decision just so you can clear your mind. Shiro, I am no stranger to depression and traumatic stress. They are not conditions that solely affect humans.”

“I’m not depressed.” He underwent a countless barrage of tests for the Kerberos mission to confirm his mental stability for long-duration spaceflight. Anything that remotely suggested depression would have disqualified him. He's not depressed.

Allura seems to sense his train of thought.”You were a prisoner, Shiro. No test could have prepared you for that.”

“Do Alteans have some sort of mind reading ability that you never told me about?” Shiro phrases it like a joke but he's actually curious. She knows a lot about him and it wouldn't come as a surprise if Allura has been hearing his thoughts since they first met.

“You flatter me but no, Alteans are not a telepathic race. We are just merely observant.” She touches his cheek in a gesture that's more intimidating than intimate and Shiro thinks she is most certainly the toughest member of the team. She can take her lumps as well as Lance does (the boy is the human version of an immortal cockroach) and negotiate like the diplomat she was born to be. She could beat the crap out of anyone around but she knew which battles were better fought with words instead of fists. 

Shiro had never met a better woman. She’s smart and strong and he’s scared to refuse her help. That, and the fact Pidge or Keith probably set her up to this. If his team is so worried about his mental health, it wasn't a problem he should ignore. They’re wise on occasion.

“How do you suggest we go about this then? You're many things, Princess, but I doubt you're a psychiatrist.”

Allura flushes but the hand on his face stays, a silent challenge that he can't meet so he steps away. 

“My recommendation would be to begin with guided meditations. Lowering your cortisone levels should be an adequate first step.”

Back on earth, Shiro took a psychology course in high school. The teacher had them sit in a circle and try controlled breathing exercises. Instead of calming Shiro, the inactivity made him uneasy. He’s a person hardwired for combat and split second reactions with an aversion to idleness but he’ll try meditating for Allura.

“When do we start?”


	3. Chapter 3

Most of Allura’s bedroom floor is hidden beneath computer parts with the exception of a very clear path to her bed that Allura walks. Some of Shiro’s apprehension subsides knowing that he’s not the first member of the team to see Allura’s personal quarters but he’ll feel even better if Allura could just hurry up and find what she’s looking for. 

Apparently, Alteans do not have the same connotations humans have regarding bedrooms because Allura finds Shiro’s jumpiness confusing.

“Is something the matter?” She asks as shoos away her mice from her vanity. Shiro swears the largest gives him a look that says “Try anything and I’ll end you”.

Shiro shakes his head.“You mean Pidge forgot to clean up their toys.”

“And you wonder why Lance insists on referring to you as “Dad”.” She smiles at him then goes back to her search.

“I can’t help it, they’re kids. If I don’t straighten them out, who will?”

“I doubt you will ever “straighten out” Keith. He obviously prefers a mate of his own gender.”

Shiro is still getting use to the deadpan, witty Allura but her comment makes him laugh.“I’d find that joke much more amusing had you not used “Keith” and “mate” in the same sentence.”

“I did not.” She finds what she’s looking for, a smooth stone pendent the size of a coin, and makes her way back to Shiro, carefully avoiding the carnage of Pidge’s dissected computers. “They were separate sentences. Perhaps we should work on your understanding of grammar instead of meditating.”

“Keith is still too young to be dating.” Shiro doesn’t want to have to give him the talk about the do’s and don’t’s of dating your teammates. 

“And he is old enough to risk his life fighting Zarkon?”

Shiro knows she's teasing him but her words strike a moral nerve he's been struggling with since they first formed Voltron. He snaps.

“I hate it when you do that.”

If Allura is alarmed by his sudden aggressiveness, she doesn't show it. She's the picture of grace as she calmly appraises him like he's an angry ambassador she must broker a deal with. “Do what?” She asks.

“Make me feel like the bad guy. Don't you know I hate myself for putting these kids in danger?”

He moves to leave the room but Allura stops him. They are too alike, he thinks. They both run when they feel exposed but they stop the other from doing so. He likes knowing her in a way the rest of the team doesn't and she does too. It's a dangerous, intoxicating game.

“You are most certainly not the bad guy, Shiro.” She doesn't touch him but he can feel her. She's maybe an inch away, challenging him yet again. He doesn't take the bait.

“But I'm not a good guy either.” The kids will never live normal lives because of him. A good man would have sent them home, not turn them into soldiers.

When you've stayed stoic for so long, things start to fall apart and Shiro, who, for many months has just barely held himself together is cracking. Pieces of his already fragile mind are splintering in every direction, a maelstrom of a broken, depressed man.

Allura is calm this time. She has him sit on a clear patch of floor with his head between his knees. Shiro is positive she is an actual saint. A guardian angel of panic-ridden space men.  
“Shiro, I want you to take deep breaths. In for four ticks, out for four.”

He follows her instructions and tries to control his erratic respiration with minimal success at first but after a minute, he is breathing deep and slow like Allura wants him to. His eyes drift shut.

“In. Out. In. Out. You are doing wonderful, Shiro. Keep breathing.”

The necklace Allura collected earlier is pressed into her left palm. He opens his eyes to see her clasping his hand closed between her own.

“It's a meditation stone. Cenobites would use them to clear their mind.”

Shiro touches the thin chain resting on Allura’s knuckles with his metal fingers. He can't feel it but he knows it's probably warm from Allura’s skin. Alteans are living furnaces. How they don't die in their spacesuits, Shiro doesn't know. Maybe they have some sort of cooling system.

There's a lot Shiro doesn't know about Alteans. He’s always imagined them as a race driven completely by science but apparently they were religious as well as scholarly. The thought of an Altean monk living a solitary life on some mountain makes Shiro laugh and Allura gives him a concerned look.

“I'm fine,” he assures her. She's still holding his hand so he squeezes her palm to emphasize his point. 

She shakes her head then let's go. “You worry me, Shiro.”

“That's why I'm trying to learn how to deal with my problem.”

“To ease me of my worry?” Once again her words are laced with a challenge. She knows he's doing this for her and not for himself. Nothing is a secret with her.

Shiro stares at the necklace instead of meeting her eyes which he knows will show her disappointment. You can't get better if you don't admit you're hurting, no matter how much you love the person trying to help.

“Allura,” he starts but she shakes her head, silencing him.

“Do this for yourself, Shiro, not for me.” 

She stands up and walks to the door without looking back. Shiro knows better than to stop her.

**Author's Note:**

> More to come this Tuesday  
> Want to complain about college or geek over Voltron, X-Files and may other fandoms? My Tumblr is https://www.tumblr.com/blog/haywarde


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